I had no problem for years admitting that I was an alcoholic.
My statement usually was, Yeah, I'm an alcoholic I am also a thirsty one at that! So shut up and give me another Bacardi and coke with a twist of lemon! Often I would also get a shot on the side to kick in the high a little harder. I knew a had problem with alcohol...I knew that I liked it just a little too much most the time but it did notreally bother then. It was not until I had a real problem going home at night, getting up in the morning, showing up for work, keeping my mind on my work, fighting constantly about my drinking all the time, writing bad checks to be able to party and not paying my bills that I really felt something had to stop.
I tried only going out on the weekends and it did not last. I tried only drinking beer and it did notlast. I tried only drinking two or three and that surely did not last! I had discovered now that I had a real problem on my hands. The little insanities that would pop up every so often earlier in my drinking began to be there almost every time I drank. I would lie at work and say I was sick because I was too hung over to get out of bed. I would tell my significant other lies in order to be able to stay out longer. My rent had fallen way behind...along with every other bill I had to get paid. I would have black-outs more often and compromise my morals either to be able to drink or after I got intoxicated. Something was wrong!
I had been fighting a court case for a DUI for about a year and a half to try and get out of it. Eventually, I lost and the DUI stuck. I lost my job! I spent way too much for an education that I could no longer use because I lost my license and could not drive around to do my service work. It broke my heart and I drank more and more to try and cure all the problems I had created over the past several years. The more I drank the worse the problems got! Insanity, unmanageability and powerlessness were now also in my vocabulary. I was mandated to go to a rehab (for 28 days since I showed up for court with alcohol on my breath from the night before). I had reached my bottom. My family was through with me. My significant other was through with me. The court system was through with me. My jobs were through with me and finally I was through with me. It was time to change. It was time to admit to myself that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. I went willingly!
That was the hardest step I ever had to take. It took me 18 years of insanity before I finally ventured into A.A. for the second time and decided it was time to change. I have been sober for ten months now and my life has truly changed. The insanities that were a daily, hourly and sometimes a momentarily trip for me are a lot fewer and farther between now. My mind is clearer and I have some peace in my life. I am not ashamed of myself and I do not feel guilty today.
I live by the twelve steps and now have added other principles and morals to my daily life and routine. I have my family back, I have wonderful friends, my bills are almost caught up, I have a job and hope to one day get a job back in my field of electronics again. Hobbies and desires of my childhood and teenage years once again fill me with pleasure...like my writing and playing my guitar and singing. I look forward to new challenges and I believe that today my higher power will not give me anything I cannot handle. Something has to change, was my statement a long time ago. It has changed. I have and For the Grace of God There Go I.
Update: This story was written nearly 9 years ago today and I am still
Powerless over drugs and alcohol. I still attend meetings, sponsor
people (to give it away and keep it), and work the steps. I have a
wonderful life today and I AM A MIRACLE.