Should he share this or not?
Have been contemplating whether or not I wanted to post this. I’ve been staring at the screen, scared as hell to hit post because this shit is real and really personal. Fuck it I’m going to be vulnerable. If my story can help even one person who’s struggling right now, then every bit of this is worth it.
I’ve been carrying this for way too long, and today I’m finally saying it out loud. Alcohol and my addiction have basically ruined almost every good thing I’ve ever had in life. Started with College Basketball, that’s when I had my first drink and slowly ruined my playing days. Or whether it be a job or promotion I worked hard for that I thought was my career…gone. The relationship that meant the world to me… shattered. I’ve hurt people I love, disappointed myself more times than I can fucking count, and watched my life fall apart while I pretended I was “handling it” or “Don’t worry I’ll be fine” when clearly I wasn’t. Genius, right?
This F**king Hurts
If anyone who knows me is reading this, you’ve seen that sober me and the not-sober version of me are completely different people. Sober me would give the shirt off my back for anyone I care about. I’m the polite guy who gets along with everyone and would do anything for the people in my life. But when my addiction took over, I became selfish as fuck and hurt the very people I care about most. I remember everyone I’ve hurt and how it made me feel embarrassed and ashamed, and all I did was keep trying to numb the pain through my addiction and I’m sick of it. I don’t want to be remembered for that version of me. I want to be remembered as the good guy I truly am when I’m sober — the one who shows up and cares for others and wants everyone to be included. Life is tough man. As much as people say they don’t care what others think, we all kind of do. It’s human nature, nobody wants to be viewed in a negative way when deep down you know that’s not the real you. That shit fucking hurts.
Depression and anxiety have kept me in a darkness I wouldn’t wish on anyone. There were days I wouldn’t get out of bed, and nights I didn’t think I’d make it to morning. I’ve felt completely lost, ashamed, hopeless, embarrassed…I mean you name it and I’ve felt it.
There were even moments I almost didn’t make it. This shit hurts to say but I’m just being real. I had a real plan to commit suicide, to finally end the pain once and for all so I wouldn’t keep hurting the people I care about so deeply. There I was, standing on the top of a parking garage on the edge, staring down at the pavement thinking fuck this is it, can I really do this? I was contemplating everything and thought this was the best way out. But before I knew it, a police officer grabbed me and threw me to the ground. He picked me up and just gave me a hug. I cried like a fucking baby, so many emotions and thoughts I can’t believe it almost came to that. Thank God that I didn’t jump and am still here. I just saw what happened to Rondale Moore, the 25-year-old NFL WR who had the world at his feet. He just took his own life, and the way it shattered his family, friends, teammates, and the entire football community hit me like a ton of bricks. It doesn’t just stop one person’s pain, it leaves broken hearts for everyone behind.
If you’re reading this and you’re struggling too — please know you’re not alone. Looking to build a recovery community and to post raw stories from the trenches of addiction to show the darkness and how it came to the light.